3 Responses to Open Strong- Gerrymandering

1. davidbdale says:

   March 4, 2017 at 2:08 pm

   What a fantastic opening sentence.
   I’ve seen three. Yours is one of them.
   My favorite was “My vote matters more than yours.”
   This is a close second, King.

   Let’s go sentence by sentence.

   The democratic system of the United States of America is at risk.

   It’s so important to name democracy here as what’s at risk. Well done. Gerrymandering threatens majority rule, which is the heart of democracy.

   By redrawing electoral districts, votes can be manipulated to support one party more than another.

   “Can be manipulated” is SO passive. Don’t you want to name a culprit. Democracy is at risk! Who’s endangering our cherished beliefs?! SOMEONE!

   This process undermines democracy, and could be detrimental to our electoral process.

   Little repetitive, don’t you think? It’s “at risk” already, so yeah, undermines is reasonable. “Is detrimental” renames the same risk for the third time. Plus, you haven’t named it yet. Do you want to call it gerrymandering?

   Lucky for us, a Mathematics professor from Tufts university has an idea for a solution.

   That she has an idea would be lucky. But we’re much luckier than that. She knows how to DE-LEGITIMIZE the practice. She has UNMASKED THE HYPOCRISY of the manipulative shenanigans of the minority party. You see where I’m going here.

   Very strong out of the gate. Loses some steam. Could EASILY be improved.
   I recommend rewriting for an upgrade.
   So far, 2/3.

   Reply
   • kingoflizards says:

     March 6, 2017 at 4:33 pm

     Okay, what I think I need to do is to point out the people responsible. Make the paper less passive, and make definitive claims. Thanks!

     Reply
     • davidbdale says:

       March 6, 2017 at 8:41 pm

       That’ll do it! 🙂 You’re welcome, of course.

       Reply