Visual Rewrite-hockeyplayer

0:00-0:02

In the first scene we are shown a diver deep in the ocean where the sun can barley reach. Around the diver we see debris from what looks to be some sort of accident. The scene is very dark and hard to see through. On the diver he has all of his equipment on, as he looks to go deeper.

0:02-0:05

For the next three seconds the diver remains still and concentrated in whatever he or she see’s. We then are shown the diver is looking towards the surface and the light coming down. We are very isolated with the diver here in this dark and scary setting at the bottom of the ocean.

0:05-0:09

We then transition to a side shot of the diver as he stops looking up with flashlight in hand they now look towards us, concentration being broke by whatever they now see. We can also see the bubbles change as the diver breathes out a lot which mean they may have been caught off guard and got scared.

0:09-0:12

The Diver in the next scene is no more, as the diver who was concentrated so much on possibly getting back to the surface looked what was in front of them it was to late. A massive great white shark appears in front of the diver and looks to have killed them, but before we find out we are taken out of the scene into the phone of somebody who is in the drivers seat of a car. This person has one hand on the wheel and another on the phone.

0:12-0:17

In the following scene we are shown the driver is a male who is driving through a small neighborhood but is fully concentrated on the phone and not the road. Thankfully at the last second as this guy was coming up to a stop sign he looks up right before nearly running over a middle age woman, who looks at him in disgust.

0:17-0:23

We are shown the man in the car to be relieved he didn’t hit the woman but also terrified at what he just did as him and the woman stare directly at each other each breathing deeply. We are then moved onto a black screen telling us not to be distracted while driving.

0:23-0:30

In the final several seconds the screen fades from the message into the mans phone which is now inside the center console in the car as it should be. The man is now watching the road carefully and we are met with the message to be safe while driving as the video ends.

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2 Responses to Visual Rewrite-hockeyplayer

  1. davidbdale's avatar davidbdale says:

    As an example of the amount and type of detail that is relevant to just the first two seconds of this video, consider this conversation I had with your classmate, MillyCain, about the same few images:

    0:00 – The shot opens in an underwater setting with a professional diver equipped with scuba tanks and flippers in the middle.

    —in the middle of the screen?

    The entire shot is very dark, apart from a small oval of light that surrounds the diver, and this light stars from the top of the shot and almost reaches the bottom. About 30% of the left and right sides of the shot respectively are pitch black, and the visible oval is still a dark and dull shade of blue.

    —Ohhhh! The oval is vertical (like a keyhole) not horizontal (like an eye).
    —You could probably explain that the diver is oriented horizontally, or facing UP or LEFT on the screen and then the oval would almost automatically form around the body in our minds. It may not matter, ultimately, but I appreciate your willingness to be specific. What matters is often unclear until the end.
    —What I would like to know, if it’s clear, is whether, since we’re underwater, is whether we see the diver’s front or back. We’d be unlikely to see much of the tanks if we have a front view.

    The camera is positioned slightly below the diver, and the diver is facing away from us at a 45 degree angle. The diver is also in a face-down position.

    —Thank you. This interaction should confirm that I’m responding AS I READ instead of looking ahead.
    —So, we’re below the diver and behind the diver but not directly behind?
    —Is this, therefore, a POV shot? Are we supposed to imagine that we’re diving WITH the diver, a bit behind and following or accompanying the diver? Do you get that sense?
    —Or are we a fish? A shark?

    The diver is close enough to the camera so that we can tell where their hands are, but still far enough so that we cannot count their fingers.

    —You’re using non-gender pronouns because the diver’s gender is unknowable from our angle? or because you don’t want to misgender the diver?
    —I do like how you measure distance: finger-countably close?

    A rock structure is visible in the left portion of the oval of light, and appears to expand beyond the boundaries of what’s visible.

    —Still orienting here. I guess we’re not so far below the other diver that we’re looking UP at him/her. Otherwise, the rocks would be floating. So, we’re looking at a diver, with light above? from the sun? not from an underwater source of light? and from an angle that gives us a forward view of the diver, an upward view of the sunlight, and a downward view of rocks on the bottom of whatever body of water we’re in.

    While the surface of the water is not visible, the small about of light that we do have means that we are in pretty deep water.

    —Feel my confusion.

    The diver breathes and bubbles shoot up out of the scuba gear.

    —You’re doing great. This is super hard. I’m feeling my way. Like somebody tossed me overboard and I’m figuring out which way is up so I don’t drown. Maybe THAT’S the feeling of the opening shot! 🙂

    The most prevalent aspect of this shot is the oval of light that surrounds the diver.

    —I agree. Its source is mysterious.

    It seems to be light coming from the surface, but the surface itself is not visible in this shot, so there is a possibility that this is an unnatural light placed by the director.

    —Oh, Milly. I hope this is really important. The time we’ve spent on it will seem a monumental waste of a single second otherwise! 🙂

    Either way, the dark blue shade of the water means that we are deep in the ocean, which is what’s important.

    —Ocean! I won’t argue. It’s the impression you got, so it’s the impression the filmmaker has to take responsibility for.

    This means that the diver is alone, which is backed up by the empty feeling we get from the diver being pretty far from the camera.

    —Well . . . THAT doesn’t mean the diver is alone. The ocean, I mean. But that distance is crucial. Thank you for that. If we’re far enough from the lone diver to see that he/she is unaccompanied, you’re right.
    —It doesn’t explain OUR presence yet. We might BE a companion. Is there any way to feel that out?

    0:00-0:02 – The first shot pans slightly to the left before cutting to a different angle of the diver.

    —That’s pretty meaningless.

    The camera doesn’t pan on a straight path, it sways and moves as if the person holding it is also swimming.

    —But THIS is very important. Thank you for this. It establishes that WE ARE, in fact, along for the dive. Crucial information. I hope the filmmaker intended it.
    —So far, we’re looking mostly at HOW.
    —If you want to make rhetorical remarks here, tell us WHY the camera makes hand-held motions. Is it to ESTABLISH that we’re in the water with the diver?
    —A diver observed by a stationary camera (or the eye of a crab on the sea floor) might truly be alone.
    —Does it make us sense the same PERIL as the diver? The same WONDER?
    —If it turns out we’re NOT supposed to consider this diver accompanied, PLEASE criticize the filmmaker for sloppiness. The camera work should ADVANCE not THWART the storyline. Even a second of thinking the diver was not alone frustrates our understanding. A few seconds of not knowing and we’re halfway through the 30-second spot ARGUING with the video instead of being persuaded by it.

    The diver is still taking the same breath that he was taking at the end of the first shot.

    —So, he’s a he-diver.
    —Is this new information?
    —My first semester as a composition professor I asked my students to decide whether to describe the dog we could see only from a distance as male or female. I didn’t want to call it “it.” They said we were too far to know. I said—can you guess?—if you want to declare the gender of a distant dog, choose male. You can’t be sure a distant dog is female, but at the right angle, you can identify a male from far away.
    —Maybe not the same for divers in wet suits. 🙂

    The camera is now slightly above and slightly closer to the diver, but the diver is still facing in a similar direction and is in the same face-down position as the first shot.

    —To be clear, WE’VE moved closer to the surface of the water, or the diver (once again genderless, I note) had dived a bit?
    —And does this move reinforce our feeling that we too are diving?

    The oval of visible light is now gone, and the entire shot is composed of that shade of blue.

    —Pretty.
    —That’s because we’re ABOVE the diver looking DOWN, and the light came from above the surface of the water?

    To the right of the diver, there is a structure that is blocking some of the shot.

    —I like this.
    —That we don’t know is fine for a second or so.
    —I do wonder, and maybe this is WAY TOO SPECIFIC, but do we associate the “structure” with the earlier “rock structure” from a few nanoseconds ago?
    —ALSO, I am a massive pain in the ass, but decide for yourself whether “right of” or “left of” matter at all to the description.
    —”Ahead of the diver” might be enough.

    It is completely black and it is unclear what it is exactly.

    —Got it.

    To the left of this, there is another structure that is unidentifiable.

    —Again, PIA, “next to it” could satisfy if we’ve dispensed with “left” and “right.”

    What is known about these structures is that they are not part of the rock formation that has been shown before.

    —Thank you. And I hope that you answering the question I asked earlier was a good illustration of EXACTLY HOW and WHEN we INTERPRET what we’re looking at, always wanting to put everything into context IMMEDIATELY.
    —Yesterday I was rude to a student who said she didn’t know whether the Asian man in the first frame of the Thai Life Insurance commercial was in the city of the country.
    —The truth is, we DO KNOW.
    —We might later find out WE WERE WRONG.
    —But that doesn’t mean we didn’t know. We weren’t in doubt. We were just wrong.

    Their unnatural shape means that they are most likely human made, so this is remnants of some kind of shipwreck.

    —That’s a MASSIVE CONCLUSION from a glimpse, WHICH I LOVE.
    —It demonstrates what I’ve been saying.
    —We figure out WHERE WE ARE and WHO’S THERE WITH US almost immediately, then seek confirmation only if needed.
    —We DON’T EVEN ENTERTAIN OBJECTIONS to our stereotypes and reflex reactions unless new information contradicts the setup.
    —We WILLINGLY COLLABORATE in the conclusions the filmmaker wants us to draw AS LONG AS THE DIRECTOR MAINTAINS CONTROL of the images.
    —Pardon me, just talking to myself now. Realizing exactly how applicable this lesson is to writers.

    This is another establishing shot that is meant to evoke an emotion for the viewer.

    —The shaky cam being the first?
    —That shot established the diver wasn’t alone, for me.
    —That means WE’RE on the dive too, right?

    The shaky camera and the dark and empty space that the diver is occupying evokes an emotion of fear, or at least discomfort.

    —So the reason we’re fearful now is that WE’RE at risk, right?
    —Until we knew we were in the water, we might have been afraid for THE DIVER!
    —If that subtle shift of perspective from “I’m watching someone dive,” to “I’m along for a dive” makes the reader feel MORE PERSONALLY INVESTED in the danger that’s lurking, then . . . talk about an emotional impact boost!

    The diver could be diving in a bright tropical environment with coral reefs and exotic fish, but he is in a dark, empty environment where some structures cannot be identified.

    —Genius remark.
    —This happens in “the city” not “the country.”
    —The evocation of a particular environment is crucial.
    —The diver is “he” again.
    —What did we see?

  2. davidbdale's avatar davidbdale says:

    Does that help?
    Provisionally graded. Revisions are strenuously recommended for anything, such as this, that goes into your Portfolio. Regrades always available following substantial improvements.

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