2 Responses to Robust Verbs – imaginary.persona RETRY

1. davidbdale says:

   November 17, 2024 at 3:57 pm

   So many problems remain. Plus some new ones.

   Vancouver has a huge problem with heroin addicts committing crimes to support their habits.

   —Not terrible, but weak verb (has). And a lame construction. Do they have a problem WITH addicts, or are addicts the problem? or are the crimes the problem?

   The “free heroin for addicts” program is doing everything they can to stop the addicts, though there is a large crime rate due to them.

   —Weak verb (is doing).
   —Your clauses are backwards. The crime rate is still large THOUGH they’re doing their best, not the other way around.

   Addicts have a hard time getting through their day to day lives.

   —Yes, but why two sentences? They have a hard time with jobs, interactions, etc.

   Daily activities such as jobs, interactions, and relationships are hard to maintain.

   —Again, the repetition. They have a hard time. Their lives are hard to maintain. Same problem, named twice.

   By heroin users being addicted, they will do whatever they have to do to get their hands on the drug.

   —You failed to correct this classic FLAWED “By verbing” construction.
   —Do addicts commit crimes BY BEING ADDICTED?
   —You know that’s not right.

   The types of crimes committed are breaking and entering and stealing.

   —Another repetition. Addicts do whatever they have to. Addicts commit crimes. Same claim, named twice.

   There are no limits to what they will do to get this drug so they can feed their addiction.

   —Now you repeat it a third time. They do whatever; they commit crimes; they behave without limits. Same claim, named three times.

   The problem with this program is that it won’t help to ween these addicts off using heroin.

   —No objections.
   —But it’s wordy with trash language.
   —The program won’t help ween addicts from heroin. (That’s a problem, but you don’t have to say so.

   It is only trying to save the city from rising crime rates.

   —Three sentences in a row start with very weak, trashy openings: There are; the problem is; It is.

   By providing the drug, these addicts will be off the streets and also keep the users out of the hospital.

   —You fail to correct another classic FLAWED “By verbing” construction.
   —Do addicts get off the street BY PROVIDING THE DRUG?
   —Somebody provides the drug, but it’s not the addicts.

   This program gives people free heroin in the cleanest way possible.

   —OK

   I’m absolutely certain you can do better than this, imaginary.persona.
   Please take another shot at this for a Regrade. This one will do you no good.

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2. davidbdale says:

   November 21, 2024 at 6:48 am

   Way better.
   Still not exemplary.
   Lets take the sentences one by one.

   Vancouver has a huge problem with heroin addicts committing crimes to support their habits.

   —It’s fine, but.
   —Having a problem is weak. Solving a problem is robust. Vancouver has reduced its crime rate by providing addicts with heroin, Right? So, they’ve solved a problem.

   Consider: Vancouver has reduced it rate of street crimes by supplying free heroin to addicts.

   The “free heroin for addicts” program does everything they can to stop the addicts, the crime rate is still large though they’re doing their best.

   —”does everything they can” is the same as “doing their best.”
   —Repetition is weak and tires readers.

   Consider: While the rate remains high, the “free heroin for addicts” program has reduced it.

   —Notice how, now, we have repeated the same claim in the two Consideration Sentences, which means we can STILL consolidate and reduce our wordiness.

   Addicts have a hard time getting through their day to day lives; daily activities such as jobs, interactions, and relationships are hard to maintain.

   —”getting through their day-to-day lives” is: jobs and relationships.

   Consider: Addicts struggle to hold down jobs and maintain social relationships.

   Heroin users being addicted causes them to do whatever they have to do to get their hands on the drug, such as breaking and entering and stealing.

   —You eliminated the “By being addicted” and replaced it with “users being addicted,” which isn’t much of a solution.
   —It’s the addiction that causes them to steal (not the “being addicted”).

   Consider: Addiction causes addicts to break into homes and steal to score their drugs.

   Consider: Addicts mug the citizens of Vancouver, break into their homes and cars, and sell their bodies for drugs.

   The program won’t help ween addicts from heroin, instead it helps with the crime rates.

   —Too much needless helping (like the slogan for the National Science Teachers Association). The program weens or it doesn’t. The crime rate rises or it falls. Go for the Robust Verbs.
   —Also, your punctuation would require a semicolon. (The program won’t help ween addicts from heroin; instead, it helps with the crime rates.)

   Consider: The program reduces the crime rate without weening addicts from heroin.

   Since providing the drug to the addicts, these addicts will be off the streets and also keep the users out of the hospital.

   —Unclear who does the “providing” here. The most likely candidate in your sentence are the addicts themselves. (Since they provided the drug, the addicts will be off the street. Clearly not what you meant to say.)

   Consider: Providing safe doses of clean heroin keeps addicts off the street and users out of hospitals.

   Consider: The program keeps addicts off the street and users out of hospitals by providing safe doses of clean heroin.

   Consider: By providing safe doses of clean heroin, the program keeps addicts off the street and users out of hospitals.

   This program gives people free heroin in the cleanest way possible.

   —We don’t need this sentence anymore.

   You can absorb this advice as mere advice to deploy on the rest of your work, imaginary.persona, or you can take another shot at making a truly transformational version of the original paragraph. I’ll regrade it a second time if you do.

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