Feedback Model
For anyone wondering how a Feedback loop can improve both the quality of your writing and the grade you earn for it, follow this 2-step process from the
Definition Argument
- Read it first, then proceed to the Feedback offered on October 20 at the Definition Rewrite,
- Definition Rewrite.
- Then read the Definition Rewrite itself.
- Finally, read the Feedback offered following the Revisions on November 16.
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Syntax is Argument:
Magical Dependency
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The Banned 2nd Person (You)
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A Case Study: Maintaining Control
This paragraph has a brilliant opening. A brilliant opening of which anyone should be proud.
A brilliant opening that goes wrong almost immediately and surrenders the ground it firmly established.
Women have to work harder in every aspect of life. Thankfully in today’s world, the fight for gender equality has progressed greatly. Despite this progression, there are still some kinks to work out, even in something that unites the world like sports. Throughout the years sports organizations and media have been under fire about the unfair treatment of genders and lack of female representation in televised sports. Women in sports have constantly fought to be represented and respected by not only their male counterparts but the world as a whole.
Women have to work harder in every aspect of life.
What a brilliant first sentence. It unapologetically maps out the territory and the rules. This writer is in command of the subject matter.
Thankfully in today’s world, the fight for gender equality has progressed greatly.
And then, gives it back. Women have had to work harder, BUT things are improving. I didn’t really mean it. Pay no attention to me.
Despite this progression, there are still some kinks to work out, even in something that unites the world like sports.
No, wait. women do still have to work harder while the kinks are worked out, even in sports, where we wouldn’t expect them to have to fight for equality.
Throughout the years sports organizations and media have been under fire about the unfair treatment of genders and lack of female representation in televised sports.
As I was saying in the first sentence, the Olympics, international sports leagues, media outlets, EVERYONE in fact, continues to treat women unfairly.
Women in sports have constantly fought to be represented and respected by not only their male counterparts but the world as a whole.
What was I thinking? “Gender equality has progressed greatly?” That’s what they WANT US to think! I call bullshit on that!
Women have to work harder in every aspect of life, INCLUDING INTERNATIONAL SPORT!
Where did the argument go wrong? In the second sentence.
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Sources Workshop 2
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Workshop: Ag-Gag Arguments
- Should Activists Be Targeted with Ag-Gag Laws?
- A Brief Video Debate over the Ethical Treatment of Animals turns to a Debate over the Ethical Treatment of Farmers and the Ethical Treatment of Activists.
- Farmers say: Activists bolster their false claims of animal cruelty inside animal farms with doctored and manipulated footage.
- Farmers say: Activists’ real agenda is to close all animal farms and force vegetarianism on the country.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: Undercover footage has led to criminal charges against meat producers and food safety recalls.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: We’re not green kooks. The Teamsters, the AFL-CIO, the American Civil Liberties Union and other legitimate organizations have joined us in opposition to Ag-Gag laws. .
- Farmers say: Releasing footage of presumably cruel treatment to the media instead of giving farms a chance to take corrective action demonstrates that activists want to harm farms more than help animals.
- Farmers say: Waiting “even a minute” to gather a body of evidence of abuse instead of “turning it over” immediately proves activists don’t sincerely seek change; they seek to harm the farms.
- Farmers say: Compiling months’ worth of tapes into provocative gross-out videos to release under a DONATE NOW button proves the disingenuousness of the activists’ motivation.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: What we gather is evidence of criminal behavior.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: Sadly, much of the abuse in meat-raising farms is institutionalized abuse against animals NOT PROTECTED by a single federal law.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: The government doesn’t protect animals, and farms are understandably secretive about their operations, so undercover video is the only chance Americans have to see how their food is produced.
- Farmers say: The last thing farmers need is to be policed by activists whose goal is to enforce a Vegan World.
- Farmers say: We police ourselves. Workers are required to report abuse to the managers. Quality assurance officers, or some sort of managers, review footage from cameras in the processing plants.
- Farmers say: 98% of US farms and ranches are “family-owned.”
- Farmers say: It’s not in the best interest of farms to have allegations of abuse made against them.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: Ten billion birds are slaughtered for food every year on farms that in many cases have 100,000,000 birds on one farm. The entire enterprise is massively industrialized, unsupervised, unrestrained by government regulation an oversight.
- Moderator says: McDonalds restaurant chain fired Fargo Farms after allegations of cruelty to chickens brought to light by undercover video. [shows video]. How will Ag-Gag laws stifle this activity?
- Animal Rights Advocates say: There is no other way to document and expose cruelty on farms that don’t invite scrutiny. The same day farm workers pled guilty to criminal animal abuse, the State legislature criminalized the kind of reporting that led to those convictions.
- Moderator says: Why shouldn’t investigators who film abuse be required to turn that evidence over within 24 hours?
- Animal Rights Advocates say: Evidence of a single case of abuse doesn’t provide evidence of a PATTERN OF ABUSE. Prosecutors will ignore single violations. But they have to address systemic abuse if it is documented.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: Low-level employees cannot be expected to risk losing their jobs by reporting abuse.
- Farmers say: The activists are shirking their real responsibility by running to the media to “expose” the employees engaging in “standard industry practices.” They just want to raise money by releasing shocking video images.
- Farmers say: Nobody has a right to videotape on private property without permission. Farmers need protection against clandestine investigations.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: If I were abusing animals in my home for their entire lives, I wouldn’t want anybody videotaping and documenting that behavior either.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: Corporate farmers write the Ag-Gag laws and have muscled legislatures to criminalize any news gathering organization that documents their hidden behaviors.
- Animal Rights Advocates say: Farms are closed to reporters. Employees are sworn to secrecy. Government doesn’t oversee the operations. And when farms hold conferences about denying access to oversight, they ban credentialed reporters from covering those events.
- A Brief Video Debate over the Ethical Treatment of Animals turns to a Debate over the Ethical Treatment of Farmers and the Ethical Treatment of Activists.
Extra Credit Task: Review and Annotate one of the Sources Below
- You may select any of the 9 sources below.
- Publish your work in the Ag-Gag Sources category,
- and your Username category, of course.
- Title your work Ag-Gag—Username.
- Use whatever format seems best for your Notes.
- Law Declares Reporting Abuse to be Terrorism
- Laws Turn Activists into Terrorists
- Gross-Out Videos as an Activist Technique
- Raising Animals for Food
- Taping Cruelty is now the Crime
- Open the Slaughterhouses
- Warning, Graphic: The Meat Video (What Cody Saw)
- Foie Gras Is Not Unethical
- Two Videos on Gavage: Force-Feeding Geese
and Cormorant Swallowing Whole Fish
If the topic intrigues you, here’s another link I found during class:
How Big Agriculture Completely Controls 96% of Chicken Production
YouTube “Gotcha” video exposes chicken production practices.
Counterintuitive Fall 2024 
Class Notes 11.18.24
Robust Verb Student Work
Visual Rhetoric Student Work
Feedback
Independent/Dependent Clauses
Second Person
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Class Notes – 11/28/24
11/18/24
What Happened:
What I Got:
What I still have Questions about:
Class Notes – phoenixxxx23
-We are the last class of semester…sad but incredibly happy that I was lucky enough to be in this class!
I think it is the right decision. Sometimes, staying true to your beliefs means making tough decisions, even when it means stepping away from something you once believed in.
-Feedback should be taken and considered for our own growth
–Independent clause = Complete thought + can stand alone.
-It has a subject and a verb; does not depend on anything else to make sense.
–Dependent clause = Incomplete thought + needs an independent clause to form a sentence
-It typically starts with a subordinating conjunction (like because, although, if, when, etc.) or a relative pronoun (like who, which, that)
–NO SECOND PERSON! Should not adress reader as “you” (in academic writing)
-Second person tends to be more conversational, personal, and direct, which can clash with the objectivity, formality of the writing
-The second-person pronoun makes the statement feel like it’s aimed at the reader personally
-Using neutral claims instead of inclusive claims can help ensure that your message is clear and objective without unintentionally excluding or stereotyping any group
class notes-figure8clementine 11/18/24
To make a sentence to feel balance is by stating the subject that is followed up with a cause like verb.
A rhetorical casual claim can be identified by using the word because to support that claim with a reason.
From reading the definition rewrite by phoenixxxx23 and the feedbacks to go along with it did change drastically in a good way. Based on the feedback was mostly questioning about the metaphors between the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland and time. That feedback eventually changed the authors approach by not including Alice in Wonderland to a more personal experience approach claim.
Independent clause can stand alone in a sentence by itself.
Dependence minimizes the objection. It can help show the importance of the claim that states the first subject which is less important then follows up with the second subject where it can support the overall claim.
The word you is not recommend because by including the readers into a problem will not help support your claims. The word you is an exclusive claims because it can separate yourself from readers, and you are pointing or accusing them for something that the readers may have or haven’t done.
Class Notes: 11/18/24
-Feedback Model: Read our definition rewrite, USE the feedback he gave us to IMPROVE our writing. If we would like more feedback to improve it, put it back in the Feedback please category with a message on what we would like help on exactly.
-Hodges takes his time with all of our work. He looks at so many different things in order to help us. This is another reason for us to really take our time and look at the feedback he gives us. Using this feedback will definitely help our writing in one way or more.
-Having a plan and then a result in a sentence will help our writing structurally. The audience doesn’t need to guess anything.
-An independent clause could stand alone as a sentence. If we combine an independent and dependent clause, we create a complex sentence. This helps to balance sentences.
-The independent clause is the real claim being made. It helps to emphasize the claim.
-The dependent clause minimizes objections made.
-NEW RULE: No 2nd Person! In other words, do not address the reader as “you”. Just keep that word, and similar ones to it, out of our writing.
-Instead of writing “you”, we can write “we” to join the author and the audience together instead.
-Our references for our 3,000 word essay should only be referenced if we site the work in our writing.
11/18/24
Feedback Examples
Magical Dependency
The Banned Second Person (You)
Class Notes 11/18/24
11/18/24 Class Notes
Notes 11/18
Mongoose Notes – 11/18/2024
Class notes 11/18
Class Notes 11/18
-Feedback Model: Use the feedback he provide us to improve our writing on our rewrite.
-A complete sentence will more likely then not have a subject that is followed up with a verb.
-The visuals to a sentence must be detailed which can be almost as important as the rhetoric.
-It doesn’t matter if your wrong when first visualizing something but it is important to see what things aren’t and what they potentially can be. If our instant idea of what is going on in an image is wrong that is not our fault. This is considered rhetoric as how we are given information to make our decisions. It comes down to the method we use to transmit the information in our arguments.
-Independent clause can stand alone by itself with no revisions and it will be a complete sentence.
-A dependent clause is a complete sentence, often too many words but needs an independent clause.
-First person language is I, We, Us, Our as they are singular and plural but first person plural is best style to use in the argument
-Thirds person They, Them, Themselves
-Second person is You
Class notes:
11/18
Class notes 11/18
Feedback Model – fixing issues identified in feedback, details matter
Baby video – appearance effects the story being told and its effectiveness
Syntax is Argument – organizing sentences improves clarity, focus on what is important, use we to make it more persuasive, you makes the reader view themselves as a separate group
Assignments:
Rebuttal Argument DUE SUN NOV 24
11/18 Class Notes
Feedback Model
While the addicts will unfortunately remain dependent on heroin, the city will have the opportunity to thrive.
11/18
We began to go over a few people’s Robust verb assignments, where we had to fix and simplify a paragraph on a heroin crime rise in Vancouver. We had to find and rewrite the paragraph by getting rid of unnecessary explanations and an abundance of pronouns for specific topics involved. We talked about someone else’s submission that was overall really solid but needed to include some simplification of how they wanted to work their revision it seemed.
Next, we began to go over dependent and independent Clauses, as in sentences that are either dependent on or not on additional sentences to get their point across. We talk about how dependent clauses show the objection in a smaller light and it can help show the importance of the claim that states the first subject which is less important than what follows up with a secondary subject that can support the writer’s claim.
Then we discussed the usage of the word “you”, categorizing it as a very exclusive claim for any such argument or discussion because it can separate the author’s writing from readers, and points or accuse them of something that the readers may have or haven’t done. Putting a sort of unnecessary critique on your readers and explaining how something may be their fault overall. We are told to avoid all usage of the word in such a manner, in exchange for more fruitful and communitive words like our, we, or ours. To bring out a sense of camaraderie, where we all share the blame.
11/18
Class Notes: 18 November 2024
PRblog24
Today I learned about dependent and independent clauses. Out of all my English classes, I don’t remember this topic being taught before. The closest I can remember to this, was a lesson on subject and clause. Then again, I don’t really remember that lesson all that well either, I just can’t forget all the light blue, light green, and light purple highlight all over my English Textbook, beat-up to hell and back from the 1970s, that broke down the parts of the sentences for analysis, labeling, and syntax.
Anyway, dependent clauses are dependent on a prior sentence. We were taught their importance by taking away prior sentences to make both sentences worthless. We were also taught that positioning matters in emphasis. Position of sentences also matter when you are aiming to swat away incoming objections to your claims.
You should never use you; you know, you hear, yea you get it, you will get ahead if you understand this.
“You” is exclusionary to your reader, much better to use “we” or “I”. Worst case scenario you can say “it is” or “one can”. But do so at your own risk, as I believe the professor voices his distaste of such phrasing.
But if you are in a pinch, just tell him you just go back from Japan! Top secret, but I heard once from a translator that the way people speak in Japanese often translates to “it is” or “one can”, instead of something having an ownership like we do in English. As a western country and language, English celebrates the individuality more than other Asian countries I hear. For example, ‘Why is my life so hard?” would be “Why is life hard”, “He is prejudiced. would become “There is prejudice.” if I am understanding this translator right.
Then one can argue that they deserve even more points because they are multicultural sensitive in their use of “one can” on paper. No really, try it, this professor likes when his students make arguments. No, I do not guarantee bonus points. He might just laugh at you. But then you can try arguing that you made him laugh and get points that way.
Making me laugh, which you do every time I see you, is a guaranteed points-earner.