3 Responses to Robust Verbs – student12121

1. davidbdale says:

   November 21, 2024 at 6:15 am

   Student12121, you’ve eliminated most of the problems identified by the instructions, which is a good start. But your resulting paragraph is only marginally better than the original. Yours is still extremely wordy, and, while you’ve eliminated the worst of the “There is” and “It is” openings, your own verbs are not much better than the verbs “to be.”

   Two examples:

   Heroin users do whatever they have to, to get their hands on the drug. The two most common crimes committed are breaking and entering, and stealing. They will go anywhere to retrieve the drug so that they can feed their addiction.

   —Here your verbs are “do” and “are” and “go” and “feed”
   —You use three sentences to tell one story
   —”do whatever they have to do” is easily replaced by “breaking and entering and stealing,”: examples of “doing whatever”
   —”go anywhere to retrieve the drug” is a LESS effective example of “doing whatever”

   Consider: Heroin addicts rob the citizens of Vancouver, break into their homes, and sell their bodies to feed their addictions.

   —The verbs there are “rob” and “break” and “sell” and “feed.”

   Hospitals have to deal with people that choose to use bad drugs and unsanitary needles, so when they find themselves being unable to afford hospital bills and find it hard to cope without the drug it puts unnecessary strain on the hospital system.

   —Here your sentence clearly suggests that HOSPITALS “find themselves unable to afford” the bills.
   —the final clause is unclear, too, because readers don’t know what “it” means.

   Consider: Addicts sickened by unsanitary needles flood the hospitals with patients who can’t afford to pay for their treatment.

   You might object that the “consideration” sentences are WAY REMOVED from the original version, but that’s how a simple “fix these problems” assignment becomes a “show what you can do” assignment.

   Show what you can do. Read some of your classmates’ versions and you’ll see a very wide range of options. I don’t care how much you’re influenced by them. Taking inspiration from the good work of other writers is a valuable learning experience in itself.

   Put this into Regrade Please when you’ve made significant improvements.

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2. davidbdale says:

   November 23, 2024 at 9:47 am

   I’m very impressed that you have returned to this assignment following my first feedback, Student12121. You could easily have blown this off. I see you’ve done a thorough rewrite and made significant improvements, but the first draft is now history. I won’t refer to the differences between your drafts. Let’s just concentrate on the draft before us.

   I’ll start with the good sentences:

   “Free Heroin for Addicts” aims to stop the crime by removing the addicts motives and providing the heroin for free.

   The program does reduce crime but does not reduce the number of heroin addicts.

   hospitals become overrun with addicts that can’t afford to pay for their own hospital bills.

   While the free heroin provides a safe space and reduces problems due to unsanitary needles, it does not reduce the amount of overdoses.

   Overall the program handing out heroin for free may help reduce crime short term but will perpetuate addiction and keep the number of addicts in Vancouver high.

   You have to decide whether the program reduces crime and hospitalizations or not. Will it eliminate both completely? Probably not. Does it reduce them? Yes. It seems to me. Choose any alternative, but make a clear choice or your paragraph will not have a clear thesis.

   Real problem sentences, and why:

   Vancouver has a huge population of heroin addicts. They are constantly causing the city problems because they commit street crimes like stealing in order to pay for the heroin.

   —This is one sentence.
   —Vancouver’s huge population of heroin addicts commit street crimes to pay for their drugs.

   You don’t really have to say that’s a problem.

   One program “Free Heroin for Addicts” aims to stop the crime by removing the addicts’ motives and providing the heroin for free. The program does reduce crime but does not reduce the number of heroin addicts.

   —This is one sentence, too.
   —By providing free, safe, clean heroin on a regular basis, the program removes the need for addicts to rob or steal or sell their bodies for money, though it doesn’t end their addiction.

   Another problem caused by the high addict population is that hospitals become overrun with addicts that can’t afford to pay for their own hospital bills. While the free heroin provides a safe space and reduces problems due to unsanitary needles, it does not reduce the amount of overdoses. Addiction often leads to overdoses over time and supporting addiction with free drugs would likely add to the overdose problem.

   Believe it or not, this might be one sentence, too.

   —Without ending their addiction, the program does eliminate overdoses and the unreimbursed hospitalizations that used to result from sharing dirty needles.

   Overall the program handing out heroin for free may help reduce crime short term but will perpetuate addiction and keep the number of addicts in Vancouver high.

   —Sadly, the program does not end addiction.

   Unless a long term solution to reduce the number of addicts is reached, Vancouver will continue to have increased crime and hospitalizations.

   —You can go with this conclusion if you want to, but most of my sentences above will not support it, so you’re on your own.

   Regraded, but . . .
   You can still do much better.

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3. davidbdale says:

   November 30, 2024 at 12:23 pm

   Now we’re talking!

   A couple actual errors remain, both possessives:

   Vancouvers huge population of heroin addicts

   —Vancouver has a population. The problem is Vancouver’s population.

   by removing the addicts reason to steal

   —The addicts have a reason to steal. The reason is the addicts’ reason.

   —Why does the apostrophe follow the s in addicts’? Because:

   1. Make the plural: addicts
   2. Then add ‘s
   3. The result: addicts’s
   4. If it’s stupid (for example, if you’re not going to SAY ADDICTSES) . . .
   5. Drop the second s.
   6. The result: addicts’

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