4 Responses to 2nd Person—GamersPet

1. davidbdale says:

   November 22, 2024 at 9:19 am

   Sentences that need work:

   All of them could benefit from a rewrite. You have successfully banned the 2nd person, which was the assignment. If you really want to write better sentences broadly speaking, request Feedback Please and I will detail all the ways your work could be improved.

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   • GamersPet says:

     November 22, 2024 at 2:22 pm

     I would like to gain some insight and advice. I tend to get confused based on the sentence alone because there’s not a lot of context to make them better.

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2. davidbdale says:

   November 23, 2024 at 9:11 am

   Thanks for asking, GP. I take special joy in helping students who want so much to learn that they’ll ask for help even after being told their work is acceptable as it is. Let’s dive in.

   Taxpayers wonder whether the amount spent on students makes a difference. Parents whose child goes to an expensive school would agree otherwise.

   It’s not impossible to answer with multiple parents and just one child, but readers expect, when you’re citing multiple taxpayers and multiple parents, that we’re talking about groups of each, so:

   —Parents whose children go to expensive schools would agree otherwise.

   Then, agreeing means having an opinion that is NOT otherwise, so:

   —Parents whose children go to expensive schools would agree that it does.

   If we knew that surgery performed before any injury could strengthen an athlete who differs in each sport, would we object to the idea of getting services to make us stronger?

   You’re confusing readers about whether WE are THE ATHLETES, or whether we’re talking about athletes who are not us. (WE knew . . . AN athlete . . . WE object . . . make US stronger). So:

   —If we knew that surgery performed before any injury could strengthen an athlete who differs in each sport, would we object to the idea of operating on an athlete who wasn’t injured?

   Then, you introduce an odd phrase: who differs in each sport. I have no idea what purpose it serves. So:

   —If we knew that surgery performed before an injury could give an athlete a competitive edge, would we object to the idea of operating on an athlete who wasn’t injured?

   Imagine that our bodies get taken over by a drug. We would die to do anything to obtain this drug without any consequences.

   Here, the logic is not your friend. We would die is the opposite of without any consequences. So:

   —Imagine that our bodies get taken over by a drug. We would give anything to obtain this drug despite the consequences.

   The idea of inviting Syrians will create more problems than a solution.

   Logic again. A solution, presumably, does not create problems; it solves the problem. So:

   —Inviting Syrians will create more problems than solutions.

   A piece of green paper in our pockets has lost its value other than the cost of what it was produced. Yet we, the people, worked our whole lives for something so small so we could deposit it in our bank account.

   This one is complicated. “The cost of what it was produced” makes no grammatical sense, so it can’t help us understand your meaning. We DO GRANT MONEY VALUE—as a means of exchange. By itself, the paper is valueless, but, like a coupon (also worthless paper), it can be redeemed for something of value. So:

   —The cost of producing the pieces of green paper in our pockets don’t give them value. Yet we work our whole lives for something without value only to deposit it in our bank accounts.

   Next time when we are reading our bank statement or looking at dollar bills, we are holding an undefined value that was made by someone else out of thin air. Without them, we would be trading goods like livestock and produce.

   Two things here. 1) We don’t hold ‘”an undefined value” ONLY THE NEXT TIME WE ARE READING OR LOOKING. The thing has “undefined value” whether we’re reading or looking or not. 2) What you mean is that “when we are reading . . . or looking” WE SHOULD BE AWARE THAT we’re holding something valueless. So:

   —When we read our bank statements or handle dollar bills, we are holding an undefined value that was made by someone else out of thin air.
   OR
   —Next time read our bank statement or handle a dollar bill, we should be aware that we are holding an object of undefined value that was made by someone else out of thin air.

   Understanding what a dollar is worth could only get us what we receive in exchange for what it’s worth.

   Our understanding of the value of a dollar has NOTHING TO DO WITH what we get in exchange for it. So:

   —A dollar is worth only what we receive in exchange for it.

   Being able to walk around with money without holding it by hand comes back to the idea of the stone because, just like stone currency, we aren’t required to be in physical possession of Bitcoins to claim them ours.

   Our ABILITY to carry money is not relevant. CARRYING MONEY is.
   AND
   No reader will understand what it means to “walk around with money” without “having it to hold.” So:

   —Owning money without carrying money is reminiscent of stone currency because, we can claim Bitcoin and stone money both without being in possession of either.

   The American Dream is the talk of the people around us where we would need to have enough of these pieces of paper to be financially stable. Just that definition alone made us realize that our life is relying on these pieces of paper called money.

   Mostly just wordy. So:

   —The American Dream is to have enough of these pieces of paper to be financially stable: success relies on these pieces of paper called money.

   Money is an adroit concept, and its pursuit lasts a lifetime. Our goals start from the moment when we start school to make, and earn pieces of paper to make our lives more enjoyable, and long-lasting.

   Not bad.

   —Money is an adroit concept, and its pursuit lasts a lifetime. From the moment we start school, our goal is to earn enough pieces of paper to make our lives more enjoyable and long-lasting.

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3. davidbdale says:

   November 23, 2024 at 9:11 am

   Helpful?

   Reply