Encouragement or Enabling: The Dangers of Chasing Unrealistic Dreams

We all want to encourage the people we love to pursue their goals, but we must also be careful not to enable them to waste their lives chasing impossible dreams. Whether it’s supporting a friend who aspires to become “the next Mariah Carey” or cheering on a child with hopes of becoming a professional athlete, we walk a fine line between encouragement and enabling unrealistic expectations. Hugh McCutcheon, in Championship Behaviors: A Model for Competitive Excellence in Sports, highlights a crucial truth: “a dream can cause real emotional, physical, and mental damages” when it is unrealistic. While we often celebrate determination and perseverance, we must also consider the harmful consequences of pushing loved ones toward unattainable dreams.  

Youth sports are a perfect example of this dilemma. According to Project Play by the Aspen Institute, over half (50.7%) of children aged 6–17 participate in some type of sports team. This statistic highlights the popularity of youth sports, yet it does not delve into the deeper reasons why so many children persist in these activities. For some, it is a genuine passion or love for the sport; for others, it is the result of encouragement from parents, peers, or even coaches. While encouragement can be a powerful motivator, it often backfires, setting children up for failure and disappointment. Over-encouragement can create immense pressure, especially when the odds of success are slim, leading to anxiety, depression, and even self-destructive behavior. The pressure to succeed in an environment that might not be conducive to their goals can have lasting consequences. This essay will explore how pursuing unattainable dreams, particularly in competitive fields, can have damaging effects on mental health, emotional stability, and overall fulfillment.

Mental disorders, especially anxiety and depression, have become more prevalent throughout this age in time. These issues do not just affect adults, but they affect younger children too, particularly those who pursue high pressure dreams. In a study called An Examination of Depression, Anxiety, and Self-Esteem in Collegiate Student-Athletes, Samantha R Weber mentions that “Student-athletes (22.3%) were at risk for depression, anxiety (12.5%), and low self-esteem (8%).” Some of these students may be anxiety ridden because of the things going on in their game, the idea of trying to go professional, or because a parent is constantly encouraging them to continue when they do not want to. Being good at a sport is one thing, but being able to go professional is another; very few do. According to The National Collegiate Athletic Association, only about 2% of student-athletes actually go on to become professional. With these slim odds of actually going professional in sports, we can see why trying to go professional can create anxiety; they are trying to do their best, but are still failing in the end.

The “understudy effect” highlights how rare it is to achieve greatness by chance. This phenomenon occurs when someone in a secondary role steps into the spotlight unexpectedly, such as an understudy replacing a lead actor or an assistant conductor filling in for a maestro. While it occasionally leads to success stories like Leonard Bernstein and Esa-Pekka Salonen, which according to Jane Piirto, in The Piirto Pyramid of Talent Development, “were assistant conductors who got their big chance when the maestros under whom they worked had to miss a concert,” these moments are exceptions, not the rule. In most cases, the understudy remains in the shadows, tirelessly working without recognition or opportunity. For individuals stuck as perpetual second choices—whether as the second chair in an orchestra or a backup player in professional sports—this reality can be crushing. Dreams require immense hard work, but when that effort only secures a backup role, it may be time to confront the truth. Family and loved ones who care deeply should offer a wake-up call, urging them to reevaluate their goals. Wasting a lifetime waiting for a one-in-a-million chance at success only prolongs frustration and emotional pain. Recognizing when to move on from an impossible dream is often the best path toward fulfillment. 

George Gmelch, in his book Playing with Tigers: A Minor League Chronicle of the Sixties, reflects on his pursuit of a childhood dream to become a major league baseball player. He reveals that “only 8 percent of Minor League players starting out in rookie ball ever make it to the big leagues.” Despite years of support from loved ones, Gmelch never achieved his dream. After playing in the minor leagues for a few years, he ultimately left baseball and redirected his efforts into writing, eventually becoming a successful author. Those years chasing an unattainable dream, however, were marked by frustration and lost potential. Like Gmelch, many children grow up aspiring to become professional athletes in sports such as baseball, basketball, football, or hockey. Encouraging these impossible dreams often creates a false sense of security and self-worth, fostering the belief that success is within reach when the odds are overwhelmingly against it. Parental support, though well-meaning, can inflate a child’s ego and reinforce unrealistic expectations. When these dreams inevitably collide with reality, the emotional fallout can be devastating. Rejection at the professional level often triggers anxiety, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy. Many struggle with questions about their identity and worth, wondering if their abilities were ever enough or if their loved ones misled them.

The pursuit of unattainable dreams often leads to prolonged stress, as individuals face constant pressure to improve and meet impossible standards. This anxiety compounds over time, leaving them emotionally exhausted, frustrated, and uncertain about their future. Few athletes, performers, or musicians ever make it to the professional stage, and the pursuit of such unlikely outcomes can come at the cost of their mental health, personal fulfillment, and long-term well-being. Instead of encouraging an impossible dream, parents and loved ones should tell the person they are encouraging the truth, however difficult it may be. With this truth, it will help a person trying to attain an impossible dream recognize reality, adjust their goals, and pursue a path that aligns with their true potential, offering healthier opportunities for growth.

By helping someone confront the improbability of their goal, we give them the opportunity to let go and channel their energy into aspirations that offer tangible possibilities for growth, fulfillment, and success. Encouragement, when rooted in honesty and care, shifts from fueling unrealistic expectations to guiding loved ones toward goals that align with their strengths and true potential. This is especially important when it comes to the dreams children develop in youth sports, which often start as innocent interests or fun activities. Many children begin participating in sports at a young age either because they have a natural interest in them or because their parents encourage them to get involved. The data provided by the Project Play Aspen Institute reveals that 50.7% of children aged 6-17 have participated in some form of sports team, showing how prevalent sports involvement is. While the popularity of sports participation is clear, there remains a lack of understanding about why children continue in these activities. The answer lies in the “why” behind their participation—whether it stems from personal enjoyment or from the encouragement they receive from parents or caregivers. Stuart Biddle and Marios Goudas, who published a study on children’s physical activity and its association with adult encouragement, explain that this encouragement is a powerful tool for growth, boosting confidence, and fostering motivation.

However, while encouragement is typically seen as a positive force, it can also be harmful if it becomes excessive. For many children, encouragement from parents creates unrealistic expectations or puts undue pressure on them to achieve goals that may not be feasible or sustainable. When success becomes the only measure of worth, children can experience anxiety, self-doubt, or a fear of failure, particularly if they feel they are unable to live up to their parents’ or their own lofty aspirations. The pressure to meet these expectations, combined with the unrealistic hope of achieving success, can have long-term emotional consequences and affect their overall well-being. The following sections will delve deeper into how these pressures can lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression, which arise as a result of encouragement that focuses more on unattainable goals than on healthy, realistic growth.

As teenagers grow older, they begin deciding whether they want to continue their sport at the collegiate level or pursue it professionally. At this stage, parents often encourage them to follow their talents, even when their children may not be the best. This encouragement can lead to increased anxiety for two reasons. First, athletes may worry they are not good enough for the professional level. According to Rudolf Dreikurs and Don Sr. Dinkmeyer in Encouraging Children to Learn, “studies indicate that one of the causes of anxiety is the fear of not belonging.” When athletes don’t feel they measure up, but are still encouraged to chase the dream, it intensifies their anxiety. The second source of anxiety comes from talented athletes who don’t make the final cut. Despite their skills, the odds of becoming a professional are slim, like previously stated—only about 2% of student-athletes make it to that level. This overwhelming statistic shows that parental encouragement can turn into pressure, pushing youth athletes to pursue an impossible dream while they face inevitable disappointment. As a result, the pressure from both themselves and their parents can elevate their anxiety, knowing that success is unlikely.

Anxiety is just the start; below the surface, depression and self-hatred can develop, leading to self-harm. Encouragement, instead of fostering hope, can become a destructive force. According to the article Reasons for Adolescent Suicide Attempts: Associations With Psychological Functioning, the most frequent reasons for self-harm were to die, escape, and seek relief. This applies to athletes who endure the pain of failure, resorting to self-harm as a means of coping with the relentless pressure to succeed. While most athletes understand how difficult it is to make it professionally, the weight of years of encouragement to follow that dream can make it hard to give up. This is where loved ones should intervene and help them face the reality of their goals. As stated before by Hugh McCutcheon, “a dream can cause real emotional, physical, and mental damages.” The pursuit of an impossible dream, like becoming a professional athlete, often leads to mental, emotional, and physical harm. If parents or coaches help athletes understand the improbability of their dreams early on, they can spare them from unnecessary suffering and the toll it takes on their mental health

Encouragement, though often seen as beneficial for children, can have unintended consequences when it pushes them toward unrealistic goals. While parents and others may believe they are fostering growth by offering constant support, they may unknowingly contribute to mental health challenges. Encouraging a child to pursue a dream with slim chances of success, especially in highly competitive fields, can foster anxiety, stress, and self-doubt rather than resilience. Studies have often linked encouragement to improved confidence, performance, and mental health, but this view fails to account for the long-term effects of excessive pressure. Instead of promoting well-being, encouragement that reinforces unattainable goals can lead to burnout, emotional strain, and feelings of inadequacy, particularly when it encourages children to chase dreams that may never materialize.

The source Improving Children’s Mental Health through Healthy Encouragement claims that children who feel encouraged are likely to perform better in school and sports, have healthier relationships, and enjoy better overall well-being. While this may be true in terms of immediate performance, it overlooks the emotional toll such encouragement can take. Encouragement that focuses solely on success does not always lead to better mental health. When children are pushed to exceed their limits or meet unattainable expectations, they can experience pressure, anxiety, and self-doubt. This pressure often undermines their intrinsic motivation, leading to stress and burnout. Encouragement can create a cycle where children feel they must constantly perform at high levels to earn approval, which can take a serious toll on their emotional state, leading to long-lasting effects on their overall well-being.

One of the most significant areas where encouragement becomes problematic is in youth athletics. Sam Dekin, author of The Good and Bad of Youth Athletics On Your Child’s Mental Health, outlines several factors that contribute to poor mental health in young athletes, including high pressure to perform, burnout, perfectionism, coach abuse, and injuries. Sports are typically a place for children to relieve stress and develop social skills, but when encouragement becomes excessive, it can have the opposite effect. The constant pressure to excel in sports can lead to increased anxiety, particularly when children are encouraged to pursue goals that are beyond their abilities. The expectation to perform perfectly, to win, or to meet others’ standards can overshadow the joy of the activity, creating emotional strain. This pressure results in children experiencing stress and feelings of inadequacy, and in some cases, can cause long-term issues like anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. Instead of providing an outlet for stress, sports may become another source of it. Encouragement aimed at achieving unrealistic goals, such as becoming a professional athlete, may lead to a focus on external validation instead of developing a genuine passion for the sport. This shift in focus often leads to feelings of frustration and anxiety, especially if the child is nott meeting the high expectations set by their parents, coaches, or themselves.

Positive reinforcement, like rewards or praise, is commonly used to encourage children to participate in activities like sports. According to Why Children Need Positive Reinforcement, “Positive reinforcement not only increases the likelihood that kids will behave, but it also increases their self-esteem and builds confidence.” While this can be beneficial in some contexts, it can also push children toward goals they do not genuinely want to pursue. This is especially true when positive reinforcement is used to encourage children to pursue their parents’ dreams, rather than their own. Children often find themselves pursuing goals that reflect their parents’ desires, not their own. For instance, a child may excel in sports or academics, not because they are passionate about it, but because they want to earn praise or rewards. While this may keep children motivated in the short term, it can lead to long-term issues, including stress and a lack of fulfillment. Positive reinforcement encourages children to focus more on earning rewards than on developing a true love for the activity, which can eventually diminish their sense of autonomy and lead to burnout. In many cases, children may feel pressured to meet their parents’ expectations, even when those expectations are unrealistic. This can result in feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, especially when the child struggles to meet those standards. Over time, this cycle can erode their self-esteem, leading to depression or other mental health problems.

Another argument often made in favor of encouragement is that failure should be seen as part of the learning process. Gould, in The Psychology of Optimal Performance: The Mindset of Successful Athletes, suggests that failure should not be viewed as defeat but as a stepping stone toward improvement. While this perspective can be empowering for some athletes, it fails to acknowledge the emotional damage that repeated failure can cause, especially when the goals being pursued are unrealistic. When children repeatedly fail to meet the expectations placed upon them, it can lead to feelings of frustration and self-doubt. Instead of learning from their mistakes, they may begin to view failure as a reflection of their inadequacy. Constant failure, combined with excessive encouragement to keep pushing forward, can lead to a decline in mental health, exacerbating feelings of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Rather than fostering resilience, this cycle may only reinforce negative emotions and stress. Failure, in this context, doesn’t always lead to growth. For many children, repeated failure without appropriate emotional support can result in discouragement and withdrawal from the activity altogether. Encouraging children to keep pursuing unrealistic dreams despite consistent failure only adds to their emotional burden and can create long-term mental health challenges.

When a child repeatedly fails in an area, whether it’s sports, school, or any other endeavor, it should serve as a signal for parents to reconsider pushing them toward an unattainable goal. The idea that failure is simply part of the process is misleading if the child is emotionally unprepared for the setbacks they’re facing. Failure shouldn’t be a reason to push harder, but an opportunity to reassess the child’s true interests and abilities. Parents should pay attention to signs of stress and anxiety in their children. If a child is constantly failing in pursuit of a goal that doesn’t align with their passions or abilities, it may be time to shift their focus toward something more achievable and meaningful. Encouraging children to pursue realistic goals that match their interests will help them build self-confidence, resilience, and a healthier relationship with failure. This approach prevents the development of anxiety, depression, and burnout.

In conclusion, encouraging someone to pursue an impossible dream may seem kind or like great parenting, but it often leads to emotional and mental harm. Anxiety, depression, and self-doubt are common outcomes for individuals who struggle to achieve unattainable goals, whether in sports, the arts, or other fields. Success stories like those of Leonard Bernstein or professional athletes are rare exceptions, not norms, and should not be used as benchmarks for determining the viability of a dream  

Honest conversations about the reality of these pursuits allow individuals to adjust their goals and focus on paths that align with their true potential. By guiding loved ones toward realistic aspirations, it can promote their well-being and long-term success. Encouragement should not be about fueling false hopes but about empowering individuals to discover their true potential and pursue paths that offer genuine opportunities for success. Helping someone move on from a dream that causes more harm than good is not an act of cruelty—it is an act of care, understanding, and honesty that ultimately leads to a more fulfilling, healthier, and balanced life, helping personal growth.

References

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Biddle, S., & Goudas, M. (1996). Analysis of Children’s Physical Activity and its Association with Adult Encouragement and Social Cognitive Variables. Journal of School Health, 66(2), 75–78. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1746-1561.1996.tb07914.x

‌BOERGERS, J., SPIRITO, A., & DONALDSON, D. (1998). Reasons for Adolescent Suicide Attempts: Associations With Psychological Functioning. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 37(12), 1287–1293. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0890856709666594

Dekin, S. (2020). The Good and Bad of Youth Athletics On Your Child’s Mental Health. Sports Psychology Review. the-good-and-bad-of-youth-athletics-on-your-childs-mental-health

Encouraging Children to Learn. (2024). Google Books. https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=qL-65yykPMYC&oi=fnd&pg=PR9&dq=encouraging+children+to+learn&ots=ivz-QfJhAt&sig=MdC1pAmblCZR0Gp2OUhyyVeN3ZY#v=onepage&q=encouraging%20children%20to%20learn&f=false

Ford, H. (2021, March 25). Why Children Need Positive Reinforcement. Www.henryford.com. https://www.henryford.com/blog/2021/03/positive-reinforcement#:~:text=Positive%20reinforcement%20not%20only%20increases,self%2Desteem%20and%20builds%20confidence.

Gmelch, G. (2016). Playing with Tigers. Google Books. https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=reIsCwAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PT10&dq=%22minor+league+baseball%22+%22chasing+the+dream%22&ots=Dd8jgsIW-i&sig=xF_nuDvgFs_80J5cEQ6o08IU3Gs#v=onepage&q=%22minor%20league%20baseball%22%20%22chasing%20the%20dream%22&f=false

Gould, D. (2016). The Psychology of Optimal Performance: The Mindset of Successful Athletes. Journal of Sports Psychology. https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=NsixEAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PR3&dq=%C2%A0Gould,+D.+(2016).+The+Psychology+of+Optimal+Performance:+The+Mindset+of+Successful+Athletes.+Journal+of+Sports+Psychology.&ots=7zd2A7OhQg&sig=1VgrEHBdPMf2E7JOlyEFFssa3V8#v=onepage&q=setbacks&f=false

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McCutcheon, H. (2022). Championship behaviors. Google Books. https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=pONgEAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PT3&dq=%22motivation%22+%22achievement%22+%22chasing+the+dream%22+%2Bathlete+%22psychological%22&ots=y8udN-f1N3&sig=TW3sKZKZdjYHWd-CajV0TQeZ1MI#v=onepage&q&f=false

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Weber, S. R., Winkelmann, Z. K., Monsma, E. V., Arent, S. M., & Torres-McGehee, T. M. (2023). An Examination of Depression, Anxiety, and Self-Esteem in Collegiate Student-Athletes. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(2), 1211. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9858692/