Can holding onto physical objects help or hinder the grieving process?

Grieving the loss of a loved one is an incredibly painful and sad process. But for this process, there are also many ways to cope which are shaped by individual emotions, memories, and cultural influences. One of the more common ways to cope is by holding onto physical objects that once belonged to the deceased, whether it be clothing, photos, or personal mementos. While this offers comfort while grieving, there is the argument that the attachment made to these physical objects can hinder or complicate the grieving process. 

“It’s okay to take your time to sort through things but if everything in the room is there to remove their death, the linking objects are likely being used more for the purposes of denial. This holding on and denying death can stir up other emotions that make grief feel more painful.” states Reid Peterson in an article titled Coping with Sentimental Objects After Loss. He points out that holding onto these objects and taking time to sort out your emotions through this process is okay, but he also says that holding onto them might not be the best way to move on. This could create an almost negative emotion toward the object and lead to unintentionally making the grieving process more painful. “But what if someone just cannot allow themselves to let go of something because they remind them so much of their special person who died? What if this holding on to the past has become self destructive, even to the point that the items are taking over their home and lives?” He also points out that holding onto these objects can have its own danger take a toll on the mind and lead us to self-destruction. It has potential to overwhelm a person and their daily lives by having these things around them.

Though he does have some reasons as to why he believes this isn’t a good way to cope, at the end of the day this does really depend on the person. Most people seek comfort in the objects left behind. Instead of viewing this as a form of denial, this can be viewed as an emotional connection between the deceased and the grieving. He says that holding onto these objects for too long could prolong the painful process. But holding onto these objects could be a way to honor the loved ones and help process the fact that they are gone. This could help the acceptance stage of grief instead of being stuck in the denial stage. Many people look at these objects as a way to still be connected to those who have passed, not refusing to accept that they are gone. Holding onto objects doesn’t necessarily mean that you are reducing to accept this but oftentimes is a necessary step in the grieving process. They allow the grieving person to engage with their memories and maintain an emotional connection to their loved one. For example, some people may wear their deceased partner’s jewelry or keep a photo on display as a way of cherishing and honoring their memory. This does not necessarily mean they are refusing to acknowledge their death, but rather an intentional and healthy way to stay connected during a time of vulnerability.

Many people think that “decluttering” or getting rid of these items can actually help you move on than keeping them. “We hold onto stuff for so many reasons – guilt, comfort, anxiety, uncertainty, security and more. We hoard because we’re scared, we hold onto things because we’re frightened what will happen if we let go, we can’t afford to buy new or a replacement, we spent money on it already, it was handed down through generations, we seem frivolous to just get rid of it, waste is bad for the environment, we don’t know where to get rid of it.”  Antonia Colins basically explains the reasons why we hold onto things while also showing that most of the reasons are because of the negative emotions we are feeling at the time. We are holding onto things as a sense of security and short-term comfort, but that is all it really is. A short-term solution to a long process or problem. Even though in the moment having these objects could help, this solution leaves the person feeling stuck and unable to find true comfort.

“Jo Hamer, the Bereavement Coordinator at the Marie Curie Hospice, Bradford, says that decluttering can be a practical method of accepting  that someone has died.” Some people think that “decluttering” can help a person accept that the deceased is gone. The reason for this is because be surrounded by belongings of our passed loved ones can cause more pain. She states that “If you cared for a family member or spouse in your home before they died, you can be surrounded by things that remind you of that difficult time. In this case it could be healthy to remove them.” Removing the items could help us accept their passing. By doing this, we could avoid the constant reminder of them and in a way speed up the grieving process

In both of these articles, they use and say about the same thing. They both talk about how removing the physical objects and belongings of the person can help us avoid the constant reminder of them being gone. The word decluttering was also used a lot in both. The word decluttering is often used when talking about cleaning out. An example would be when we do our “spring cleaning”. We declutter and get rid of all the things we don’t need or use just because they are taking up space. Using this word to describe the belongings of someone who was held dear to our hearts is almost like minimizing the emotions and telling the person who is grieving to move on. Forcing ourselves to move on can do a lot more harm than sitting in our feelings for a while. Holding onto objects could be for many different reasons and more than likely won’t lead the person to a place of denial. Yes, denial is one of the grieving stages. But that will happen whether or not they have a physical object to hold onto.

Circling back to the main point, grieving is a very personal process and everyone goes through it differently. Letting go of objects isn’t a bad thing but these things happen with time and depending on if the person who is grieving even wishes to let go of these objects.

References

Peterson, R. (2021a, September 20). Coping with sentimental objects after loss. Medium. https://griefrefuge.medium.com/coping-with-sentimental-objects-after-loss-a0625fa9b6c8#:~:text=Linking%20objects%20are%20things%20that,a%20beginning%20and%20an%20end.

Colins, A. (2024b, November 2). Decluttering and grief: A personal perspective. BALANCE THROUGH SIMPLICITY. https://balancethroughsimplicity.com/decluttering-and-grief/

Wheaton, O. (2020, July 24). “decluttering” after someone dies: How and when should you do it? Marie Curie. https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/talkabout/articles/decluttering-after-someone-dies/277411