5 Responses to Open Strong- thecommonblackhawk

1. davidbdale says:

   March 4, 2017 at 1:57 pm

   This is very strong, BlackHawk.
   Regardless, I am full of nagging advice and will encourage a revision as always.

   Words to celebrate, words to reconsider:
   —attorneys. Nope. They can’t be attorneys. You can’t even say they’ll be the new judges without confusing readers, since the mathematicians will appear in court with judges!. I don’t know what to suggest, but this word has to go.
   —purposeful realignment. Absolutely perfect. (Suppose you called it, “the purposeful realignment of voting boundaries to give the power to the minority”?)
   —embarked on a journey. It’s good, but belittles her actual accomplishment. If you say she trains them, she’s much further along in that journey.
   —eyewitness’s. Plurals are formed without apostrophes. You mean eyewitnesses.
   —capable of. CAPABLE OF is never the point. WILLINGNESS TO is never the point; AN OPPORTUNITY TO is never the point; THE ABILITY TO is never the point. ACTION is the point. She TRAINS them TO CHALLENGE.
   —Duchin may have started an initiative that successfully brings democracy back to America. (Going for broke here.) Duchin could bring democracy back to America.

   Sure, I’m annoying. Remember, BlackHawk, this is very strong already.
   Your response is always welcome.
   I recommend a revision for an upgrade.
   So far, 2/3.

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2. thecommonblackhawk says:

   March 5, 2017 at 2:09 pm

   I revised and placed the edited version in feedback please. Thank you for the advice.

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   • davidbdale says:

     March 5, 2017 at 3:22 pm

     Much better, BlackHawk.
     3/3

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3. davidbdale says:

   March 5, 2017 at 3:30 pm

   One more thing I’ll mention that doesn’t cost you grade points but which can severely confuse readers at times: misplaced modifiers apply adjectives other modifiers to the wrong nouns. In your sentence

   Known as gerrymandering, political parties can realign voting boundaries to give the power to the minority.

   you inadvertently claim that political parties are known as gerrymandering. The problem is caused by positioning. The solution is to close the distance between the modifier and what it modifies. Some examples that don’t misplace the modifier:

   1. Known as gerrymandering, the realigning of voting boundaries to give power to the minority is a common tactic of state legislatures.
   2. State legislatures can realign voting boundaries to give power to the minority political party, a practice known as gerrymandering.
   3. When minority parties find themselves in control of a local legislature, they often gerrymander, redrawing the voting districts to give themselves a lasting advantage.

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   • thecommonblackhawk says:

     April 11, 2017 at 10:21 am

     I will still make these edits. A higher quality of work is what I am aiming for.

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