This page is the companion to
a sample student essay called:
The Skincare Definition Workshop.
Read this sample student essay first.
Then review the sample feedback at
The Skincare Definition Workshop.
Leave your analysis of the effectiveness of the
student essay as a Reply to this page.
The Dilemma of the Skincare World
The cosmetic industry has been struggling to regulate harmful ingredients from the market in the past and even in the modern-day. Skincare items with dangerous ingredients should be identified as drugs due to their excessive amounts of side effects and future problems they have caused consumers to go through. Drugs can be absorbed by the skin, swallowed, injected, and even sprayed to enter the human body. As a comparison skincare products are also absorbed into the skin. According to Joseph C. DiNardo and Craig A. Downs writes more on the statistics that the Centers of Disease Control states, “97% of the people tested have oxybenzone present in their urine.” What seemed like an industry producing harmless products just showed how much of an effect these creams, essence, and makeup products have on our body internally.
In the article, “Dermatological and environmental toxicological impact of the sunscreen ingredient oxybenzone/benzophenone-3” from the Wiley Online Library discussed the concern that “personal care products containing oxybenzone must be raised and compared with the potential negative health and environmental effects.” Everyday products that consumers use to protect their skin from the harmful rays of the sun are known as sunscreens that in many cases, in fact, contain harmful ingredients that have been “reported to produce contact and photo contact allergy reactions.” Not only are these products leading to concerning allergic reactions but also have been linked to causing “Hirschsprung’s disease.” The ingredients that are being put into skincare are in fact causing us to face health problems and are still not considered to be associated with drugs which are shocking.
The FDA seems to get away with not regulating skincare ingredients since they have limited power from the legislation. It has been proven, “thirteen thousand chemicals that are used in cosmetics only 10%” are tested for safety before being placed onto shelves. The FDA clearly does not have strict enough regulations for products that most women and men use on a daily basis.
The idea that drugs have a specific definition that is not altered is frightening. Technology is advancing every single day and there are new ingredients being used in cosmetics. Consumers tend to lack education when it comes to cosmetics but rely on what influencers and trends communicate to them. Being exposed to these harmful cosmetics can result in allergic reactions, chemical burns, and even unrecoverable side effects that can be detrimental. The author of this journal Morgan G. Egebers writes how the FDCA, on the other hand, defines drugs as, “articles intended for use in the diagnosis, cure, mitigation, treatment, or prevention of disease.” Even though these might be good categories that drugs fall into there should be subcategories. When we think of drugs we think of not only medications but narcotics, certain types of foods, and alcohol. Even though these so-called “drugs” are not used to cure a disease or prevent it they are still considered drugs by the government that in fact have very harsh regulations. When thinking of narcotics I think of injections, snorting, absorption by the skin, and oral usage. Cosmetics that are aborted by the skin and have harmful or even more detrimental ingredients in them still are not considered to be at the same level as drugs and should be.
Both drug store cosmetic companies such as L’Oreal and other higher-end big names such as NARS have been reported to contain lead in their products which has been vocally expressed to the public for years and is still not resolved. People are still buying these harmful products since they have trust in the FDA that in reality was never there to make an impactful effect on the industry’s regulations. The fact that we know that our most favored cosmetic companies contain harmful ingredients shows a lack of transparency from big-name companies. In the article, “COSMETICS: A Dermatologist Looks to the Future: Promises and Problems,” Albert M. Kilgman explains how people using these cosmetics have a lack of education with “No premarketing proof of efficacy or safety is required.” Manufacturers are also able to make any claims they desire and still be placed on the market. This shows how lousy regulated the cosmetic industry is even in a day and age where everything seems to be doubled-checked and approved.
People are simple creatures that love to spend money on anything until they experience any negative effects in skincare for example allergic reactions or even health problems in some cases is a beginning for consumers to get concerned. It takes countless products and negative side effects for a consumer to start getting interested in the ingredient list of cosmetics which shows how corrupt the cosmetic industry has been.
The regulations placed by the United States compared to Europe also differentiate. In the article, “Analytical Challenges and Regulatory Requirements for Nasal Drug Products in Europe and the U.S.,” from the MDPI website, I realized how intricate and precise regulations are placed on the production and testing of nasal sprays and drops. A nasal spray is considered a drug even though it is absorbed by the skin. The skincare industry does not have nearly as much testing and regulations for products that will be released and also for the fact that they are absorbed by the skin. Things that are taken into consideration when producing a nasal spray include, “droplet size distribution (DSD), plume geometry, spray pattern and shot weights of solution nasal sprays.” These small details are all necessary to make sure a product works accurately and has limited faults. On the website Science Direct the article, “COSMETICS: A Dermatologist Looks to the Future: Promises and Problems,” it is stated that there is no “proof of efficacy or safety” in topical products that are said to be antiaging and brightening. This statement alone explains how the cosmetic industry is so large and developed, yet still has no intentions to advance its procedures for safety and order to prevent toxic ingredients that are marketed from getting approved.
References
Egeberg, M. G. (2020). Beauty is Pain: An Analytical View of the American Beauty Industry and the Effects of Regulation on Consumers. Redirecting… Retrieved March 5, 2022, from https://heinonline.org/HOL/Page?collection=journals handle=hein.journals%2Fqhlj23&id=325&men_tab=searchresults
DiNardo, J. C., & Downs, C. A. (2017, October 31). Dermatological and environmental … – wiley online library. Wiley Online Library . Retrieved March 5, 2022, from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jocd.12449
Trows, S., Wuchner, K., Spycher, R., & Steckel, H. (2014, April 11). Analytical challenges and regulatory requirements for nasal drug products in Europe and the U.S. MDPI. Retrieved March 5, 2022, from https://www.mdpi.com/1999-4923/6/2/195/htm
Liu, Y., Krueger, L. D., & Nguyen, H. P. (2020, December 6). Regulation of skin lightening agents in the United States and implications for public health. Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology . Retrieved March 5, 2022, from https://www.jaad.org/article/S0190-9622(20)33151-0/fulltext#relatedArticles
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Counterintuitive Fall 2023 
Leave your Analysis of the Effectiveness of this student’s first draft as a Reply to this page.
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DON’T HESITATE TO BE CRITICAL. FIRST DRAFTS ARE SCRAP PAPER.
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For examples of the sort of critiques you can raise, consult The Skincare Definition Workshop.
The student’s first draft presents a compelling argument about the lack of regulation and transparency in the skincare industry. Here is a breakdown of the strengths and weaknesses of the draft:
Strengths-
Clarity of Argument: The essay clearly conveys the main argument: the skincare industry lacks regulation, leading to harmful ingredients in products. The use of specific examples and statistics, like the presence of oxybenzone in people’s urine, strengthens the argument.
Use of Sources: The inclusion of academic references lends credibility to the student’s claims. It shows that the argument is backed by scholarly research and not just personal opinions.
Critical Thinking: The student critically analyzes the existing regulations, pointing out the disparities between the cosmetic industry and other sectors like pharmaceuticals. This shows an ability to think critically and assess the situation from multiple angles.
Engaging Language: The essay uses engaging language and examples, making it relatable to readers. It discusses real-life implications such as allergic reactions and health problems, which can capture the reader’s attention.
Areas for Improvement-
Organization and Coherence: The essay lacks a clear organizational structure. It jumps between different points without a smooth transition. Each paragraph should flow logically from the previous one, creating a cohesive argument.
Depth of Analysis: While the essay touches on various aspects of the issue, it could benefit from a deeper analysis of specific examples. For instance, elaborating on particular cases of harmful ingredients or discussing the historical context of cosmetic regulation could enhance the argument’s depth.
Grammar and Syntax: There are several grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures throughout the essay. Proper proofreading and editing are essential to enhance the overall readability and professionalism of the piece.
Counterarguments: To strengthen the argument, addressing potential counterarguments and rebutting them would add depth and complexity to the essay. It would show a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Conclusion: The essay lacks a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points and reinforces the thesis statement. A well-crafted conclusion is crucial for leaving a lasting impression on the reader.
Formatting of Citations: The citations should follow a consistent format, preferably a recognized citation style (such as APA or MLA). This adds to the professionalism of the essay.
In summary, the first draft presents a promising start, but it requires significant revisions to enhance its organization, depth, and overall impact. With careful editing, restructuring, and further research, the essay has the potential to become a compelling and persuasive piece of writing.
The student’s essay, “The Dilemma of the Skincare World,” discusses problems with regulating skincare products and their potential risks to consumers. The essay brings up issues of harmful ingredients in cosmetics and their impact on health, comparing skincare products to drugs. It uses references from reliable sources to support its points. However, the essay could be clearer with a central thesis statement, and it needs a more in-depth look at how these problems affect consumers. The writing is generally clear, but it could be improved for grammar and style. The essay is informative but could be stronger with a clear thesis and more detailed analysis. There are parts of the essay such as the 6th paragraph that seem short and vague. Sentences like, “It takes countless products and negative side effects for a consumer to start getting interested in the ingredient list of cosmetics which shows how corrupt the cosmetic industry has been.” , are not helpful to the reader since the student doesn’t clearly state how or why it occurs. A example can also be used to help strengthen the point trying to be made.
I thought it was a well written argument. I enjoyed how the author used its sources for the prime examples and statistics. I think it was really good how the author went about different sides of this argument and dilemma. This shows an ability to think critically and assess the situation from multiple angles.
It could have been a little neater and better organized. It could also use a better conclusion to wrap up a solid argument. I think it would make it go from good to great writing. All in all it was a pretty solid first draft.
I believe the student did a good general job of getting the argument across and presented helpful reasons throughout the essay. While the details that are presented get a little jumbled throughout, and the overall statement trying to be made gets across. In the second paragraph, a statement about a drug being present in the urine sampled of a certain demographic of people, but for the reader just casually reading, there is all of this information about drug names and the study, yet only a sentence of why it is harmful. Further more, how sunscreen is related to that disease is never mentioned other than is has been linked to it. For a reader, this feels too vague. I would have to go to the stated article to really get any facts on the situation. as the sunscreen in the trial was never named, and the amount of people who took place was also never stated.
I do enjoy the argument made, and I do believe there were many good points that were made throughout the sample, the only thing I would change is the formatting. I believe the ideas are there but the execution needs to be a little more organized and categorized to help section the paper better. I do think one point that was too vague was the explanation on sunscreen impacts on the skin, it was vague when I feel that subtopic is very important to the sample. I did enjoy the dual perspective though and the alternating viewpoints for the reader.
The essay “ The Dilemma of the Skincare World”, discusses the overall issues within cosmetology production. The author structurally has a very strong argument that flows very well, supported with strong evidence that supports the claims. The context formulated persuades the reader, and provides different factual claims readers are familiar with. After reading the edits, some of the main changes within the text consisted of being more direct and specific with supporting sources to allow for better clarity and organization for the reader. Overall, the suggestions upon editing would be to improve clarity, be more specific and use stronger language.
Cookiemonster qoute: “Skincare items with dangerous ingredients should be identified as drugs due to their excessive amounts of side effects and future problems they have caused consumers to go through. Drugs can be absorbed by the skin, swallowed, injected, and even sprayed to enter the human body. As a comparison skincare products are also absorbed into the skin.”
This paragraph talks about skincare being like a drug due to the ingredients that may give some side effects and problems to the consumers. They talked about how it’s absorbed in different ways but they didn’t tell us some of the ingredients of it being a drug to our skin. It’s just them telling us how the different parts of the body it can enter our body.
I think it’s a thoughtful insight into being passionate about skincare. Some of the points that were provided were pretty good but the delivery and grammar could be better. The essay makes you think about what drugs are like a nasal spray is considered a drug? nice to know. I don’t wear makeup but if I did this argument would make me more cautious about what I am putting on my face.
I think the student made several good points through their argument and brought awareness and attention to a topic which is often overlooked by those who use skincare in their everyday routine. While the student provides great amounts of evidence from outside sources, I think it becomes overwhelming for the reader to read the significant amounts of outside evidence from other authors, rather than the author who wrote the essay above. I think the use of direct quotes is helpful, but the author could have paraphrased the information more than they did. I think the author did a great job of making their stance on the topic extremely clear to the reader of the article, even adding persuasive language to change the readers stance on the topic.
Schoolcookiemonster did a good job with writing a first draft with a compelling argument about skincare products being drugs. She made her stance known, that the FDA needs to regulate this industry and she used good sources to support for what she wanted to talk about. I think it would be better if she explained the importance of the argument and then provided the evidence, so her audience does not have opportunity to make their own decisions (prepare them). It is a very insightful piece and provides people uncomfortable information that no one is checking the products that are put on shelves and sold to all of us to use on our skin and body; makes the reader think.
I believe that for the first draft of this essay, the writer did well. I feel that the evidence and quotes that were used were good. however, I feel that the writer was jumping around a little too much and if the essay was organized better, I feel as if I would have been more interested. In addition, I feel that the writer needs to back through the essay proofread for grammar mistakes, and make every sentence count so that the readers are drawn in more.
I think that the core of this essay is very strong, but it’s current state could use some work. I think its main issue is that it fails to properly define what a drug is, and then provide evidence as to why skincare products fit that description in the opening paragraph. If this was done, then I would have a better idea of not only what they are claiming, but also have an easier time buying into their claim as well.
What this essay does really well is that it sells you on the idea that the skincare industry should be regulated by some sort of government agency. If the link between skincare and drugs was made, this essay would be really strong.
I believe that the sample raises several valid points. However, my primary suggestion for improvement would be in the area of formatting. while the core ideas are well-founded there is room for enhanced organization and categorization to provide a more structured framework for the paper. One area that could benefit from more clarity is the discussion on sunscreen effects on the skin. this subtopic in my view is of significant matter in the sample and it would benefit from more detailed exploration. On a positive note I found the dual perspective and the alternating viewpoints for the reader to be quite engaging and enjoyable.
I think that the essay is very good. It tries to prove its point and does it very well. However, it definitely needs some minor issues worked out within it. The writer uses a lot of information and it kind of gets confusing at points. For example, in the third paragraph i feel like im reading something about statistic right out of an article or something telling me what the FDA “seems” to do instead of telling me what they DO do. If they can clear up some of the unecessary information then it would be easier to comprehend. If they could really dive deeper into their claim and if they used a better conclusion that fully wraps up everything they talked about then i think this could be super good. All in all its a great first draft.
I believe this essay is overall effective of what its trying to prove and handles its thesis well but can have trouble keep the momentum of the argument going sometimes. The second paragraph opens with a source without necessarily an argument to be proven this was weird because they do it well in the later paragraphs so the second just feels like a mistake. I feel the paragraphs surroundings drugs to be particularly strong but can be clearer on the stance its trying to hold. The last paragraph I think is the weakest I feel like theres good information there but could be broken up into two separate tighter paragraphs instead of one big one.
“I found the argument to be skillfully crafted and liked how the author used their sources to show important points and presented interesting stats. This shows their ability to think critically and look at the situation from multiple angles. I also liked how the author looked at different aspects of argument and dilemma. However, there is some room for improvement when it comes to structure and readability. A more thorough analysis would help to effectively close this strong argument. Improving these areas could take your writing from good to great. All in all, it was a decent first draft.
I left this article with the belief that the core main ideas of this argument was very well put together. I thought the essay was very effective in how they described the thesis, and it proved the main point the author wanted to demonstrate. The author was also able to showed the capacity to critically look at the situation in hand before them from every angle. However this article was not perfect, the writer had a lot of information and at some points they crammed to much into certain sections. And another imperfect part of the argument was their conclusion. When this author went to conclude they could have used better strategy for wrapping everything up as the ending felt rushed. To conclude this was a very good first draft and there is many things to clean up but they are in a great spot to continue.