You will be tempted to “sound academic” when writing papers for college courses. Professors may make you feel it’s essential to your success that you sound like a language-making machine. Nothing could be more harmful to your style. Nothing could do more damage to your coherence.
“Academic” arguments say things like:
In light of the discussions that identify the implication of misrepresentation and exploitation of a subordinated culture by a dominant culture, the concept of cultural appropriation as an adverse inference has provided the ground for a contradiction. The countered argument redirects the notion of cultural appropriation with parameters and amplifiers that provide context to the wrongfulness that underlies cultural appropriation and sets the idea that there may be a dependent factor by the subordinate culture that must be met.
Believe it or not, the subject matter of that paragraph is K-Pop. Yes, the author wants us to know that Korean pop boy bands borrow (let’s say steal) dance moves, lyrics, attitudes of black American hip-hop artists. The argument is that such theft damages the original artists.
The language of the paragraph may be fine for an audience of other academics already well versed in the details of the topic under discussion. But if you’re not terribly skilled at such language, the result of trying to emulate it is usually disastrous. I suggest:
Many claim that borrowing or reinterpreting aspects of a weaker culture by a stronger one necessarily harms the weaker culture. But that is true, and the borrowing is wrong, only if the subordinate culture in some way depends on the dominant one.
Some other examples.
It is difficult to imagine a society that is not influenced by music.
Music enlivens and shapes every society.
The influence that music has may be illustrated as forms of expression or ways of living that often indicate struggles, oppression, or movements against mainstream authoritative systems.
In lyrics and songs, musicians express their struggles against oppression.
Music artists, especially those within the hip hop genre, utilize their experiences to express their political and social views as a form of social activism.
As social activists, hip hop artists in particular deploy their art to express outrage at the status quo.
With the understanding of the cultural aspect of music creation, which considers these forms of expressions, the concept of cultural appropriation takes form as the exploitation of another culture’s music creation by utilizing their language, environment, political or personal struggles without understanding the cultural foundation.
The thoughtless appropriation of hip hop “style” by artists disinterested in the personal struggles or politics of the original creators is exploitation for profit, pure and simple.
In the entertainment industry, the challenge that often impacts success stems from consumer behavior, economic growth, and the industry’s culture.
Even conscientious artists, if they want to achieve stardom, succumb to the demands of record companies to appeal to consumer demand.
Understanding that there is a financial benefit to making music and that success is impacted by selling music, the issue becomes finding ways to maximize the financial benefit.
Understandably, the music business is driven by a desire to please consumers. And that profit motive contaminates any respect artists may have for the cultures they “borrow” from.
Stardom in the music industry has become a stage where only a few musicians survive.
Only the most ruthless musicians achieve stardom.
How far the musician gets depends on the music industry’s adoption of the changes from consumer behavior and preferences to listening and purchasing music.
Those who cater to “whatever the consumers will buy” rise to the top.
This phenomenon has been indicated to impact monetary provision to music artists and creates the notion of “making it” in the music industry.
Success in music is measured by sales, not by quality or decency.
It is in this area of entertainment is where cultural appropriation takes its shape in a debate between a wrongful act of misrepresentation and exploitation versus cultural appreciation for the different cultural traditions.
What begins as cultural appreciation for the music of another culture quickly degrades into cultural appropriation for profit when money rules every decision.
In this arena, musicians struggle between adaptations to corporate suggestions such as producing, singing and dancing what is considered a “music hit” regardless of the negative impact that may come from a cultural appropriation challenge.
When making music is reduced to making profits, even conscientious musicians abandon their appreciation for other cultures in favor of producing “hits,” regardless of the harm to the artists they exploit.
Many claim that borrowing or reinterpreting aspects of a weaker culture by a stronger one necessarily harms the weaker culture. But that is true, and the borrowing is wrong, only if the subordinate culture in some way depends on the dominant one.
In-Class Exercise
Copy and paste the paragraph below into the Reply field and “de-academize” it. Eliminating needless words is important, but MORE important is making clear and robust claims with whatever is left.
Societal disruption has demonstrably shown its chaotic effects and thereby illuminated the inherent instability of the society in question, part of which is the inevitable consequence of technological instability. The American reaction to the COVID-19 pandemic produced a significant disruption to our economic norms, particularly but not exclusively in the relative employability of large parts of the population. As a chaotic response ensued from the outset of the pandemic, it became evident to anyone who wished to see that American health and bureaucratic institutions were armed to combat not this new pandemic but perhaps one of an earlier generation, for which such a chaotic response would have produced less instability. With any disruption to broad systemic norms of societal behavior, it is reasonable to expect some negative blowback and destabilization. However, when America—unlike many other nations that did not experience deep negative performance losses—was put to the test, a large underperformance in employment ensued.
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Counterintuitive Fall 2023 
Societal disruption reveals its chaotic effects, highlighting the instability of the society, partly due to technological changes. The American response to the COVID-19 pandemic notably disrupted our economic norms, impacting the employability of a significant portion of the population. The chaotic response from the beginning of the pandemic exposed that American health and bureaucratic institutions were equipped to handle a previous-generation pandemic, causing more instability in the face of the current crisis. Disruptions to societal norms inevitably lead to negative consequences and destabilization. Unlike many nations that didn’t suffer significant performance losses, America performed poorly in employment during the test of the pandemic.
I love what you’ve done, Maxx, and I wonder if you’d be interested in the next step of truly de-academicizing this language. (I just made up a word there.) For example, “impacting the employability of a significant portion of the population” is still so vague it COULD mean putting a lot of people to work. There are truly straightforward ways to express almost every meaning this paragraph obscures.
Societal disruption has shown its chaotic effects and elaborates on the instability of the society in question, part of which is the inevitable consequence of technological instability. The American reaction to the COVID-19 pandemic produced a significant disruption to our economic norms, particularly but not exclusively in the relative employability of large parts of the population. In the midst of societal chaos, it became evident to anyone who wished to see that American health and bureaucratic institutions were armed to combat, not this new pandemic but perhaps one of an earlier generation, for which such a chaotic response would have produced less instability. With any disruption to broad systemic norms of societal behavior, it is reasonable to expect some negative backlash and distain. However, when America—unlike many other nations that did not experience deep negative performance losses—was put to the test, a large underperformance in employment had developed.
This is timid editing, EricCartman. Just to cite one example, when you say
do you mean
I may not have emphasized this enough in the past many weeks, but I believe the best writing makes itself clear.
Societal disruption has demonstrably shown its chaotic effects and thereby illuminated the inherent instability of the society in question, part of which is the inevitable consequence of technological instability. The American reaction to the COVID-19 pandemic produced a significant disruption to our economic norms, particularly but not exclusively in the relative employability of large parts of the population. As a chaotic response ensued from the outset of the pandemic, it became evident to anyone who wished to see that American health and bureaucratic institutions were armed to combat not this new pandemic but perhaps one of an earlier generation, for which such a chaotic response would have produced less instability. With any disruption to broad systemic norms of societal behavior, it is reasonable to expect some negative blowback and destabilization. However, when America—unlike many other nations that did not experience deep negative performance losses—was put to the test, a large underperformance in employment ensued.
REVISION: The pandemic has significantly shown its chaotic effects and has shed light on the instability of our society. This is also a consequence of technological instability as well. COVID-19 also caused a large number of citizens to lose their jobs. As America scrambled to prepare not only the economy but the healthcare system as well, it was apparent that America should have had better preparation for the flu pandemic of the 1920’s as well, however a chaotic response during this time would have caused less instability as it has today. With this, it is normal to see negative feedback. Overall, when America suffered through the peak of this pandemic, our employment rates and performances suffered.
There is brilliance in your reply, HDT. There’s also leftover vagueness you could resolve if you wanted to go another round. First, the sentence I admire most:
And now, let me offer some advice about starting sentences with “That.” When the antecedent is unclear (that is, when readers aren’t sure what “that” means), the sentence won’t mean much.
I’d love to see how you would resolve those vaguenesses.
Societal disruption continues to show its chaotic effects and illuminates the inherent instability of the society in question. The reaction of Americans to the COVID-19 pandemic significantly disrupted our economic norms, particularly in the relative employability of large parts of the population. As a disorderly response ensued as a result of the pandemic, it became apparent to anyone wishing that American health and government institutions were prepared to combat the pandemic. Perhaps an earlier generation would have produced less instability. With any disruption to societal systems, it is reasonable to expect some confusion and disorientation from the American people. However, when America was put to the test, large unemployment rates came to light.
You’ve beautifully condensed the text and eliminated lots of pointless jargon, Sunflower, but your remainder doesn’t make much sense on its own. I completely acknowledge that the original doesn’t help us understand the actual facts it means to describe, so you’d probably have to jump to conclusions to force meaning on it, but if you can, I’d love to see the results.
Here’s what I think we can conclude from the original:
—When COVID disrupted American society, it exposed underlying instability.
—COVID put a lot of Americans out of work, more for some groups than others.
—The American health system and government haven’t evolved since the last pandemic to handle this new and more disruptive one.
—Any pandemic would create instability and job losses.
—But America suffered more job losses than countries that were better prepared.
If that matches your understanding of the original, can you craft a paragraph that delivers those claims effectively?
The Social disruption of Covid-19 has had its many chaotic and negative effects on American society. Due to covid-19 there has been a significant disruption in the economy and has had a negative impact on the unemployment rate. As a chaotic response ensued from the outset of the pandemic, it was very apparent to many that the American healthcare system was not armed to combat such a new and unknown pandemic. With any disruption to broad systemic norms of societal behavior, it is reasonable to expect some negative blowback and destabilization. However, when the American people were put to the test, a large underperformance in employment ensued.
This is beautiful, YoungThug. You’re a few feet from the tape. I actually get a sense of understanding the material that the original completely obscures. If you’re willing to resolve the last few bits of ambiguity, you can win this race with some simple language.
—What’s a “negative impact on the unemployment rate”?
—Is it the same as “a large underperformance in employment”?
Congratulations on even understanding the original.
Societal disruption has shown its chaotic effects of technological stability, which illuminates the instability of society. The American reaction to the COVID-19 pandemic produced a significant disruption to our economic norms. Chaotic responses globally became more evident and scarce, increasing instability worldwide. With any disruption to broad systemic norms of societal behavior, it is reasonable to expect some negative blowback and destabilization. However, when America—unlike many other nations that did not experience deep negative performance losses—was put to the test, a large underperformance in employment.
You cut out a lot of language, BabyYoda, but you didn’t eliminate much ambiguity. I know it’s hard to find the actual claims in the original paragraph, and I appreciate your willingness to give this exercise a try, but would you agree that THESE are the claims the original author was trying to make sound more academic (for no good reason)?
—When COVID disrupted American society, it exposed underlying instability.
—COVID put a lot of Americans out of work, more for some groups than others.
—The American health system and government haven’t evolved since the last pandemic to handle this new and more disruptive one.
—Any pandemic would create instability and job losses.
—But America suffered more job losses than countries that were better prepared.
I wonder if you have the stamina to want to take another shot at this. You’ve been truly admirable revising your own work. 🙂
Societal disruption has demonstrably shown its chaotic effects and thereby illuminated the inherent instability of the society in question, part of which is the inevitable consequence of technological instability. The American reaction to the COVID-19 pandemic produced a significant disruption to our economic norms, particularly but not exclusively in the relative employability of large parts of the population. As a chaotic response ensued from the outset of the pandemic, it became evident to anyone who wished to see that American health and bureaucratic institutions were armed to combat not this new pandemic but perhaps one of an earlier generation, for which such a chaotic response would have produced less instability. With any disruption to broad systemic norms of societal behavior, it is reasonable to expect some negative blowback and destabilization. However, when America—unlike many other nations that did not experience deep negative performance losses—was put to the test, a large underperformance in employment ensued.
The social disruption of COVID-19 has shown its chaotic effects and how we react when our economic norms are severely shaken up. It was pretty clear to everyone that the American people and government were not armed to deal with the Covid pandemic, but with an older one that was nowhere near as disruptive. A large underperformance in employment was seen, especially in the United States, as was expected due to the societal disruption.
You do truly shine at time, Frog. This is the gem of the bunch so far against some very strong competition.
The social disruption of COVID-19 has shown its chaotic effects and how we react when our economic norms are severely shaken up. It was pretty clear to everyone that the American people and government were not armed to deal with the Covid pandemic, but with an older one that was nowhere near as disruptive. A large underperformance in employment was seen, especially in the United States, as was expected due to the societal disruption.
Do you have the skin for critique even for very good work?
If not, ignore what follows.
But if so . . .
—”how we react” is needlessly neutral and leaves a perfect opportunity for clarity on the table. An adverb would clinch it. A phrase. Do we react well? Poorly? Are we caught off guard? Are we ill-prepared? There’s no reason to delay that judgment for the next sentence.
—So much to admire here.
—The colloquial “It was pretty clear” is the opposite of academic.
—”not armed” is a handy metaphor for the “battle” we were in.
—For me, you swapped the order of the comparison to your detriment.
—There was no evidence in our handling of COVID that we had done better a generation earlier.
—But it was clear we had not improved enough on our handling of earlier pandemics to prepare for COVID.
—That our failure “was seen” is irrelevant and needlessly passive.
—And “as was expected” undercuts your earlier complaint that we should have been better prepared.
—Underperformance, if expected, should be remedied in advance.
This is A-grade work, but I’m never satisfied with my own work or yours. Why should we be?
Disruptions in society can cause a lot of instability, especially when it comes to tech. When the pandemic hit, it changed our economic system and made it harder for people to find work. It also showed us that our health and government systems weren’t ready for the challenges of the pandemic. This kind of change in social behavior can have bad effects, and America, unlike some other countries, saw a lot of job losses during the pandemic.
Love it!